Many roads lead to sex coaching

...and the sometimes-amusing misconceptions about what I do

“How can I have better sex?”

“Help my sexless marriage”

“How do I make my partner cum?”

“Relight the spark in my relationship”

“How to have an orgasm”

How did you find this website? If you didn’t click a direct link, was it via a search engine and a phrase like those above? So many people have issues in their sex lives for which coaching is appropriate… but they don’t know such a thing exists. Hooray for Google!

What do I offer as a sex coach and educator that helps with these issues? It’s not about teaching short-acting tips and tricks. I help people understand who they are sexually, how they got to where they are now, what they want in the future, and how to move towards that. I help them identify and change unhelpful beliefs or mindsets, understand their bodies and how arousal works, develop skills such as communicating with partners, and work out what they want to explore in the future (and how to do so healthily). I support them to create and implement action steps to move towards the sexual life they want.

But as a currently pretty little-known profession, there can be some confusion over what I do…

Sometimes people have only heard the term ‘coaching’ in relation to sports. Then they might think I teach ‘sex techniques’ and will physically monitor their learning and progress. There can be disappointment when I explain “No, I won’t be in your bedroom watching you and telling you what to do”!

Or they may expect me to be physically there and hands-on. I don’t work hands-on, but such work does exist. Sexological bodywork is therapeutic hands-on work, usually the bodyworker touching the client but no touch back the other way; while in sex surrogacy the surrogate will engage in mutual sexual touch with the aim of teaching and supporting the client in developing their sexual confidence and skills. [For more on surrogacy read my article here]

As a sex coach, that’s not what I do.

I am also often confused with a sex therapist or counsellor, but those roles are different to that of a coach. Therapists and counsellors are medical professionals who are helping clients with unresolved trauma to move past that. They could be considered as supporting clients to get over the past, while a coach helps those who are ready and able to look forward positively, to plan and take action steps towards their future.

If I have a discovery call with a potential client who I deem to need therapy not coaching, there are a few trusted therapists I refer to.

What else do people sometimes enquire about?

“How do I get a girlfriend?”

“How do I succeed at dating”

“Top dating tips”

I am not a dating coach and don’t teach clients dating strategies or how to become more attractive to potential partners. Although it could be said, that knowing yourself sexually, how to communicate around sex, understanding boundaries and consent, and being appropriately curious and open minded about a potential partner’s sexual self, is a very attractive quality!

There are dedicated dating coaches out there, such as Rachel New.

How about alternative sexual practices?

“How do I explore my kinky side?”

“My wife wants Fifty Shades Of Grey”

“What to do when my husband wants to be submissive”

“How to open up my marriage”

“What is ethical non monogamy?”

I do coach around kink, having knowledge and experience of many kink practices, on both the dominant and submissive sides. The kink world has vast and beautiful variety and nuance within it [note – Fifty Shades Of Grey is NOT an educational film!] and I love to help curious clients find out more about what it can do for them.

With ethical non-monogamy, I can support clients in their explorations if they feel particularly safe with me and want me to coach them. I’ll direct them to trusted researched resources in this area and help them explore their mindset and next steps. However there are coaches who specialise entirely in this work, who may be more appropriate, especially if there is an already-existing and tangled non-monogamy situation.

Sometimes queries may be medical or physical based.

“How do I stay hard for longer”

“Why does my vagina clamp shut?”

“Help for my erectile dysfunction”

“Why does sex hurt?”

Whether I can coach around these issues is nuanced. It depends on what the client is looking for and the cause of the issues. But certainly coaching can play a part in improvement. It’s easiest to explain with a couple of examples:

if someone has premature ejaculation, worries they are not pleasing their partner, is embarrassed and can’t talk to their partner, and wants to be taught physical delay techniques: no, that’s not what I teach (there are other resources which do). If they want to expand their view of sex away from it all being reliant on their erect penis, drop the embarrassment, and communicate with their partner, I can help with that!

If someone has vaginismus (where the vaginal muscles clamp shut) and needs medical or therapist support, that’s not what I can offer. If that same person has had medical and therapist support, and as part of their ongoing journey wants to explore their mindset around sex, how to expand pleasure beyond being all about the genitals, and how to communicate their needs to a partner, that’s what I help with.

Another way to view coaching is that I work with the mind and the impact that then has on the body, rather than working directly with the body.

Here are some real examples of other requests, which I turned down:

“Will you sell me the shoes you wore in your TEDx talk, and shoes from your stripper days?” I may have been up for this, but the person asking wanted me to photograph the shoes from numerous angles and email them all the photos. I requested a financial deposit for the time I’d spend doing that, to be deducted from the final price if the buyer went ahead – and I didn’t hear anything else.

“Send me explicit photographs and video of yourself.” I have nothing morally against this – I was a stripper for over a decade after all! – but the intent of my work now is to educate, not to arouse. It’s a totally different energy.

“Can I be naked and masturbate while you coach me?” – I think this person needs to read this article…!

What I DO do, and LOVE to do, is coach people – as per the definition of coaching given above – to experience epic pleasure and fulfilment in their sexual lives.

So if that’s what you’re looking for, don’t hesitate to get in touch to discuss how we might work together.

https://www.ruthramsay.com/contact