Celebrating a guest writer for Disability Pride Month
July is Disability Pride Month, so I am handing over this blog post to Maria Cyndi, a sex-and-disability rights campaigner. I asked Maria to share some of her personal story, what she would love for society to better-understand, and what actions we can all take to support this cause.
Over to Maria...
"Sex isn’t the most important thing in life, but like everything, it becomes a big deal the moment there’s a problem with it. What would happen if I were to start a conversation about sexual pleasure… and what would happen if in doing that, I also revealed that I’m paraplegic?
A year ago, during Disability Pride Month, I embarked on a mission to highlight the importance of understanding the intersection between sex and disability.
As a paraplegic woman who is married to a non-disabled man, it’s baffling to me that I live in a society that assumes I am not sexual. I’m human. I have human needs. I truly believe that sexual fulfilment is as important and necessary as eating, drinking and sleeping. We don’t question our other primal needs, so why is there such a stigma attached to sexuality and why is the relationship between sex and disability so controversial?
Sexual pleasure is a celebration of our bodies, whether we enjoy it alone, with a partner or in a group. When you have a disability, celebrating your body is not easy, because society tells us that disability is ugly.
Being excluded from the conversation about sexual pleasure, simply because non-disabled people can’t fathom how we can possibly enjoy it, is a big problem.
It isn’t just innocuous ignorance that has no impact, it can in certain circumstances, be dangerous.
As a young girl, I didn’t have sex education. I was told by the teacher that I didn’t need that information. Disabled people are twice as likely to be sexually assaulted, because nobody thinks they need to be protected.
When I did become consensually sexually active and tried to purchase condoms, the woman behind the counter, tilted her head to one side and with a condescending smile, politely asked me if I knew what was in the box and what they were used for!
As a thirty-something woman, I was told by a consultant gynaecologist that I didn’t need to attend cervical screening every three years, because she assumed I didn’t have children and wasn’t sexually active. I told her that I would pass the information on to my husband, who was waiting in the car with our two children. She looked at me like I had just burst a balloon in her face.
More recently, as an older woman, now in perimenopause, I’ve struggled to get support for the lengthy list of undesirable side-effects of hormonal depletion. When I explained to one doctor that my libido was like wet cardboard, she looked at me like I was speaking Klingon.
As a disabled woman, I have spent a large part of my life in and out of hospital. Needing painful surgical and medical procedures from a young age, I learned to associate being touched with pain. Body autonomy, boundaries and consent are difficult to assert, when you’re reliant on other people to fulfil basic day to day needs.
However, beyond these basic needs and physical interactions, disabled people still have a right to experience intimacy and sexual pleasure. In some cases, this need is being fulfilled by sex workers, who provide a safe environment for disabled people to explore their sexuality, sensuality and sexual desires, which is so important because, when it comes to the orgasm gap, everyone thinks about the discrepancy between the male and female experience… but what about the sexual fulfilment of disabled people? To put it simply, men have orgasms, women achieve orgasms… but disabled people ‘don’t have sex’, so orgasms ‘don’t apply’ to them. Except - we do.
During the past twelve months of campaigning for the sexual rights of the disabled community, I have been interviewed for online magazines, websites and have even been a guest on a podcast. This all sounds very glamourous and a lot of fun, but to be honest, I spend so much time explaining about the barriers to sexual pleasure and all the ways in which I am discriminated against when it comes to accessing sexual equality, I’m yet to get to talk about the good stuff!
I was recently asked, “As a disabled woman, what are you most proud of?”. My answer has to be, the fact that I have reclaimed my right to pleasure and own my own skin.
Pleasure is so important to me, as a human, as a woman, as a #MeToo survivor and as a disabled person. I set aside one day a week, to indulge in intimate self-care. I need help from my husband, to remove my clothing, get into bed and access my sex toys and lubrication, but once I’m comfortable, I’m able to be one with myself.
Just as my sex life has been questioned by non-disabled people, I have been asked why on earth I have sex toys, and “Isn’t that a colossal waste of money as a paraplegic?” Well, no! Actually, it isn’t.
It's important to understand that being paraplegic doesn't mean I can't enjoy masturbation, or have a fulfilling and enjoyable sex life, just like anyone else. It has taken some time to find the right vibrator for me. The first one I bought was a jelly vibrator, which I now know is a definite no-no for vulva and vaginal health. I should’ve heard the alarm bells when I opened the box and saw that it was bright blue! Nothing that shade of blue should go down there!
For me, masturbation is an opportunity to explore different sexual fantasies, techniques or aids that enhance my sexual experiences.
My husband and I have a “YES!” box under the bed full of toys, lubes, masks and handcuffs for those moments when we want to give each other an enthusiastic “YES!”. I can’t emphasise this enough, consent is everything… especially when you’re disabled.
I have taken on the challenge of trying to improve the sexual wellbeing of the disabled community and will continue to strive for sexual equality and to have our voices heard.
This Disability Pride Month, I hope you develop a greater understanding of the intersection between sexuality and disability. It would be very helpful if when you publish anything about sex, intimacy, sexual health or relationships and equality, you remember to include the disabled community, as we are very often still being left behind or forgotten completely.
If my experience may be of value within your business or organisation, or you’d like to offer a platform for my voice (thank you Ruth for doing so with this guest blog), please get in touch with me. I am available as a consultant for businesses and as a writer/guest writer for blogs and publications.
Let’s make sure everyone who wants to, can say “YES!” to a pleasurable sexual life."
You can reach Maria at mariamcg02@hotmail.com.
Thank you so much Maria for providing this insight into your world.
Ruth
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